So drunk, too bad you don't want this
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
