I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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