I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
