i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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