the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
