I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
