You're a womanizer and a bitch.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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