BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
