HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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