she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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