can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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