I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
