I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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