My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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