I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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