she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
