ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
