never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
