doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
