She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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