This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
