Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
