he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
