i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
