if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
