I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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