mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
