no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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