An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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