Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
