The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i think i have two assholes
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
