i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
