I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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