It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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