She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
