Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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