Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
