Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Semen is not good for contacts.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
