Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
