How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
