my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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