Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
