I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
