Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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