I'm passing your future prison.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
