if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
