Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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