i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
