ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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