My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
