I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
