Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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