bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
