the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
