i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just high enough for therapy.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
